Sex Ed Debunked

Study Session #18: The Current State of Dating

• Trailblaze Media • Season 3 • Episode 2

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On this week's study session, Christine and Shannon discuss what's going on in dating in 2023 – especially the latest and greatest apps, including ... Gluten Free Singles? 

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Shannon:

This is Study Sessions brought to you by Sex Ed Debunked.

Christine:

In these mini-sodes we'll discuss a myth suggested to us by listeners. Like you, Like what?

Shannon:

you hear, want to hear more? Follow us on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at Sex Ed Debunked to suggest new myths. Provide your own show notes and give us ideas for what to talk about next.

Christine:

Now take some notes. The study group is in session. Hi, welcome to Study Sessions, a bi-weekly mini-sode from Sex Ed Debunked, where we tackle questions and topics brought to us by you, our listeners.

Shannon:

This week's Study Session is inspired by a friend of mine who recently asked me what I knew about the pear ring and my answer was nothing. So I did a little bit of research. Here's the deal with the pear ring. So the pear ring is advertised as the world's biggest social experiment and what it is. And this is crazy, because you have to buy a ring. But you buy this small turquoise ring that singles can wear to show that they're open to meeting new people. So it's this social experiment designed to eliminate the need for dating apps while also encouraging people to connect in real life by basically signaling or flagging to people like hello, I'm single and I'm interested.

Christine:

I wonder if there's a different colored band for people in open relationships. You know who are in relationships, but still available.

Shannon:

It's about people who already have someone and are looking for more people. This is about people who are looking for one person just to bounce off with. It doesn't mean that they won't add more. They are sold out, though, which is interesting because this is all run by presale, and they are already 100% sold out of their rings for the pear ring social experiment, and I guess the reason that this pear ring thing has become a thing and I've learned about it from my friend who lives in Austin and Austin is very like up and coming with social experiments and tech and blah, blah, blah so I think it's starting there and kind of branching out to maybe more rural areas, but basically it is supposed to counter dating app fatigue and especially I would say yeah, this is a little presumptuous, but in the post COVID era getting people back into the idea of meeting in real life.

Shannon:

which brings us to the topic of this episode. It's not just the pear ring, but it is the current state of dating.

Christine:

Yes, the current state of dating as I'm talking to my students and other friends current state of dating is kind of rough. There's a lot of rough. Well, there's rough out there people. Well, because of, like you said, because we're, you know, coming still coming out of COVID, there's a lot of social anxiety about connections in real life and in fact, the studies are showing that more people, particularly young people, are choosing to remain single for a lot of different reasons, but one of them, including that the dating apps are exhausting and that there's changing social norms about relationships. Somebody asked my class just the other night and these are my students who are teaching psychology I'm teaching psychology of human sexuality and I was like well, what's the deal? Like, what do you think about this research? And a lot of the common refrain was well, relations take effort and time and many young people are looking to focus on school and careers instead of relationships.

Shannon:

At least the effort it takes to be in like a committed or exclusive type relationship, yeah, I mean something that I've said often in my EOR dating days was like you know, the thing about dating that sucks is that it's a 99% fail rate until you get it right, and that's exhausting. And you can only ask someone what their favorite color is so many times before you just throw in the towel. You know like I'm so sick of knowing 80 strangers favorite colors. I'm done, you know, but you don't ask about their favorite sports team. Well, if it's not a Patriots fan, it's a no for me. I actually had that for a while when I was being annoying. I like when I in my early 20s that said non Patriots fans need not apply. I had that in my dating profile. That's an excellent screen. They need not apply.

Shannon:

But, on the other hand, people who would like to connect with other people, who are interested in dating, who are interested in pursuing other types of relationships, it can be done. So there are some emerging trends in dating for 2023 and beyond, and one of the things that I was interested in is I've been hearing more and more recently that people are going back onto like matchcom and okay, keep it and e-harmony, which you know, I kind of hadn't thought about because the apps themselves are, so, you know, everywhere they're prolific, but the online websites for dating are becoming more popular again, those like pay to play websites, where you actually pay for a profile and get matched up. There's more detail. Yeah, it's interesting and you know. All those sites now have obviously updated their text, so they have an app version too, but they're also offering video dating, which you know. Video dating, speaking of vetting people, is allowing daters to get to know each other better before meeting in person, which can save them time and save them money, because you're not taking someone out on a date.

Shannon:

That's a total dud.

Christine:

So that's interesting Well and also people became more comfortable with Zoom and FaceTime and everything, so that becomes like a much easier first date, so to speak, than going for coffee and meeting a stranger and feeling awkward and not knowing.

Shannon:

Yeah, yeah, and then online dating you know whether it's app or whether it's browser-based is becoming a lot more inclusive obviously in 2023, but it's been more inclusive in the last few years. We've heard all heard about Grindr. Lex is for the queer community. Her, I think, is an app for queer women maybe. Anyway, it's becoming more inclusive. There's dating apps for all types of sexual orientations, gender identities, body types, age, you name it, they've got it. Plus, there's dating apps that are becoming increasingly niche. Wait, wait, wait. Well, we've all heard of Christian.

Christine:

Mingle and J-Date. Yes, and there's another one like Farmer or so.

Shannon:

Yeah, farmer's Only, which, as you can guess, is only for farmers, but there's also Veggie Date for vegetarians, which makes a lot of sense, it does actually. Yeah, because eating is hard, Finding compatible eaters is difficult. Actually, my first and all favorite that I found when I was kind of looking at the different apps is gluten-free singles. It's just so specific. I'm really glad that my girlfriend wasn't on there, because I probably would have lost her to some other cool gluten-free people, but thank God she didn't know about it.

Christine:

Well, you met her in real life right. I met her in real life, but you would not have been on the gluten-free app. I know that's what I'm saying.

Shannon:

We would have missed out on each other if she had been on gluten-free singles, so I'm so glad that she didn't know.

Christine:

Well, one of the things that I'm hearing, though, is that these are actually designed to streamline the dating process, because we are feeling that we have less and less time and we definitely don't want to be like quote-unquote, wasting time on something that's just not going to have any positive benefit. People are looking not just for relationships, but really just fun and cool people to hang out with and connect with, and maybe not have an expectation of a relationship. If you're going to these really specific apps, you can already know that you have something in common and something that's pretty like, if you're a vegetarian that's really meaningful to you.

Shannon:

I'm sure, I can't imagine anything more insufferable than a vegan. The only dating app, except maybe a tech bro dating app. I'll be steering clear. Thank you very much. Well, I'm still in the car anyway, I'm taken, you are, you're very much taken, I'm very much taken, but taking it. So you're right, you're right. There are these apps that are meant to streamline that endless meeting and greeting. And do we have anything in common? We don't. That's awkward, so that I paid for your coffee, whatever. But the opposite is that there's also completely blind dating. Terrific, and it is terrifying. So, of course, there's real life blind dating.

Christine:

Got it Understood, like setting you up with whoever, and then there's also like but usually real life blind dating is a friend of yours saying like I think this person would be great for you, so you're like trusting your friends.

Shannon:

And then I mentioned earlier, like Lex, which isn't necessarily used for dating but can be, and that's just posts like text posts. Most apps require you to have photos or something like that, but there are options for truly blind dating, although a few weeks ago a friend of mine, who is a dear friend of mine and is figuring out their sexual identity and trying to kind of explore it but also wants to be really covert about it, like doesn't you know, wants to be discreet told me about this app called Sniffy's.

Christine:

And I hate it. The name is itself is kind of gives, is a little cringy and what?

Shannon:

it is is it's like a geo targeted app where you literally give no information whatsoever except your coordinates. And I know it's not going to surprise anyone that this is used almost exclusively by the gay male community, which is no shade. It's just the things we know about the gay male communities that they have, you know, a lot of sex. It's just part of the gay male culture and great Good for you. Wear protection Maybe don't do it before a sporting event, but yeah, this, this app Sniffy's quite literally no personal information whatsoever, no photos, no names, no age, no, nothing. All you do is put in your coordinates and it remains anonymous. There is an option if you want to do the non anonymous version, to like add a little bit more personal information, but the bread and butter of this app is totally anonymity. And yet drop a coordinate Wow, yeah, seems unsafe.

Shannon:

We don't advise that necessarily, but you know as an important caveat to all of this be careful with dating always.

Christine:

And I would actually like public place Check where the coordinates are.

Shannon:

Make sure the coordinates are in a public place If the coordinates are at the bottom of a river.

Christine:

Don't go there. Got it. If it's in a dark forest, in a cave, don't go there.

Shannon:

And then the other thing, as we're talking through, you know, the 2023 state of dating is relationship. Diversity is also so, of course, the apps are becoming a lot more inclusive of age. There's over 50 year old apps, over 60 apps, like I mean, they're doing. The golden bachelor right now on ABC is a seven year old bachelor. The apps are more LGBTQ inclusive. All that, but there is also relationship diversity and relationship diversity is.

Christine:

You know, it's becoming talked about more and when we say relationship diversity, we're talking about people who might want to be in open relationships, polyamorous relationships. So there's a number of dating sites right now that are geared towards people who are trying to be consensually, we like to say, or ethically non-monogamous. Hashtag open is one that I believe has an app and is online. Okay, Cupid actually added a feature for people to be able to say whether or not they're polyamorous. Unfortunately, some of them say open to non-monogamy, which are sometimes people who are not ethically non-monogamous, but there is a feature there that at least, like you, can be expressive about it.

Shannon:

Yeah, sometimes the filters just don't work on these apps. I have like definitely been on bumble, tinder, whatever in the past, long time ago now, but like you know you just you put you're interested in women and you just get a bunch of men and you're like how, you're not reading it, how yeah, so you always have to be mindful of that too.

Christine:

But one that is really people have said they've had pretty good success with is one called Field F-E-E-L-D, and people can look for other people in open relationships and actually be really, really specific about what type of experience they're looking for. And it could be a sexual experience like you know MMF, f-f-m, things like that or can be like couples looking to meet other couples and it could just be meeting other couples who are like-minded, who just want to hang out. It could be couples looking for a woman, couples looking for a guy and actually single people just looking for people to hang out with.

Shannon:

Yeah, I mean I was going to say, you know, when we were talking about okay, keep in. This is also something that I think a lot of the apps are doing and they're not all trying to cater to everyone, but okay, keep. It obviously started out as a very heteronormative, very specific monogamous relationship website. They've evolved because the state of dating has evolved. Similarly, bumble added options for Bumble BFF, like if you just want to meet friends, one of my friends met her now best friend through Bumble BFF.

Shannon:

So I think the apps are also evolving to understand that there are so many different types of relationships that people are seeking out, and again in a post-COVID era not that we're dismissing that there are still COVID, there are still COVID but in a post-COVID social scene where people are getting out and meeting each other again in real life all kinds of relationships that have been on the back burner and need to be put in front again. So it's kind of cool to see the apps evolving in that way. So something like the Pair Ring comes out and you're like, okay, great, whatever, it's the next new fad. But it's actually kind of nice to see these established apps whether it's OKCupid, whether it's Bumble Tinder's really expanded a lot of its options, actually to be more inclusive and not just simply be a hookup app. It's nice to see that the apps and the browser-based programs, or whatever, are expanding.

Christine:

Well, and I think what you say, tinder still kind of has that reputation, but I think you can look at it more not so much as a hookup app, but casual relationships, and people can hang out, have fun and just kind of have sexual play on the table without this expectation of a relationship escalator. That, okay, now that we've been talking, we have to start, you know, say if we're exclusive or not, or say if we're going to be committed or not, and I think there's a sense that a lot of people are craving connection, but not necessarily all of the time and effort that goes into a serious relationship.

Shannon:

Yeah, because, as you said and as your student said, it's a lot, it's a lot.

Christine:

It's exhausting. It's a lot you know, and is that what People don't always want that to be their sole focus. But having connection with somebody that they really like to hang out with when they want to take a break from their studies or their career or whatever is their responsibilities, is a pretty great thing, and I think it's really interesting to know that so many of these apps are kind of creating a space for simply people to meet people, to have People meet another people.

Shannon:

Yeah, to have Like funny girl.

Christine:

Whatever kind of relationship you want. People meet other people.

Shannon:

Totally. And of course, you know, as we do, we did a little bit of research. We looked at like a little bit of Reddit. I just poured it around, found some funny terms. What Reddit has funny terms?

Christine:

for things that are going on in the world.

Shannon:

People who are dating but not looking for a serious relationship. Half-masting Fair, got it? Yeah, no, yeah, yep. Half-masting, got it. My favorite, actually, of all of these is Hesitating People who are hesitant to date. You know, due to past experiences, maybe some insecurities, but also maybe just are like I know that it's something I maybe should want to pursue right now, but I'm not ready to fully commit to it. You're hesitating, hilarious. And then this one, which goes out to all my millennial homies out there inflatating. It refers to daters who are looking for affordable and budget-friendly dating, because inflation is really all and restaurants have gotten expensive, yeah. So the current economic environment, if that's affecting your dating life, that's inflatating. So thank you to the internet for that.

Christine:

Did they have any suggestions what to do? That's a budget-friendly date.

Shannon:

They didn't. But I mean, you know, go do like a cool little cute charcuterie picnic at a local park. That's not super expensive. You know you can, especially when the weather's nice. I feel like there's so much you can do. But actually in the fall the best free day is go to an orchard, go apple picking. Yeah, you don't even have to pay for a bushel of apples, you can literally just walk around the orchard. Great idea, yeah.

Christine:

Especially in New England. We're going to work.

Shannon:

Yeah, I know, that's like a cool, that was a subtle brag, that was like here in.

Christine:

New England, where fall is immaculate, we're going to have this bursting beautiful colors and it'll be a wonderful thing. Yeah, I got to love it, but actually I think that's really smart in some ways, because you know, there's still a lot of heterodenormativity around dating and there's an expectation like what do you do on that first date? Who pays? Where does it go? If someone suggests an expensive restaurant, do I still have to pay half? And I guess if you're already in that area, you'll be like hey, I'm looking for something budget friendly. Would you put that on?

Shannon:

your profile. I don't think that's a known enough terminology, but I do appreciate it. It just has a casual lexicon.

Christine:

I think we need to make it more known.

Shannon:

I also the hesitating is hilarious, but of course, you know there are people who are looking for meaningful connections. Of course, there's tons of apps for that too, like we're talking about the niche apps and the funny apps because, like, those are also a reality of dating in 2023, but also plenty of apps that are out there to meet a real connection, make meaningful connections, and those are some of the ones that I think are kind of the OG apps, right, the matchcom and the eHarmony For sure, but you've also got like.

Shannon:

There's an app called Coffee Meets Bagel, which I think is a really funny name, which could also be infodating.

Shannon:

Yeah, that's a cheap hey breakfast dates are always the cheapest, y'all. There's my pro tip for you but Get a coffee. But yeah, coffee Meets Bagel, like literally, their tagline is for people who want to get serious about dating. And then we've talked about hinge before on the show. But I love hinge because I love hinges marketing. But hinges marketing is that hinge is the app designed to be deleted because they want to meet someone and have it last, which, again, marketing whoever does their marketing.

Christine:

So the bottom line is, to some extent, depending on what you're looking for, there's an app for that.

Shannon:

There's an app for that. Yeah, that's like going throwback to the early 2000s. Apple Again. Marketing, good marketing sticks with you, man, but yeah, there's an app for that. So, whether you're looking for something serious, something fun, something anonymous, apparently, or something to wear on your finger, whether that's the pair ring or engagement ring, in the long run, the current dating scene is packed with a little bit of something for everyone, and maybe someone for everyone too, oh, yeah, yeah.

Christine:

So that's it for this week's study session and we'll be back next week with a full new episode, but until then, keep letting us know what topics and questions you have, and we'll tackle them for you.

Shannon:

Yeah, we will. And then if you have any apps you've been using that you think are interesting, let us know. You know, is there curious what's going on out there? Farmers, only you know, rise up. Farmers only squad. We want to hear from you. Gluten-free singles, stay away from my girlfriend. You can shoot us a message at sexeddebunkedgmailcom or any of our socials at Sexed Debunked. We're always happy to hear from you.

Christine:

Thanks for tuning in. Take care. Sexed Debunked is produced by Trailblaze Media in Providence, rhode Island. Our sound producer is Ezra Winters, with production assistance from Shea Windrunner.